i realized today that in the last several months, i have lost most of my internal rhetoric. i don't think i ever planned or expected or hoped for that to happen. i wouldn't have known what to call it. but i think i like being at this place. agendas aren't so important anymore. knowing my next rant isn't so important anymore. defining things becomes more difficult and there is a constant wrestling with God, but the anger that drove me for a long time is fading away.
i realized this in the context of a discussion about ministry i was having with my friend Maddie who is one of those people who continues to ask good questions in life, no matter how good the answer was. she seems to be wise enough to not be satisfied with an answer or even two, but she asks deeper and deeper questions without letting them consume her in an unhealthy way. point being, i was realizing that i don't know what ministry is except to walk with people and let all else flow from that. faithfulness. joy. being salvation to others and letting them be salvation to you. people being Jesus to one another, like a big divinely incarnational food fight. that's the best i can do. its not about walking with the poor anymore. its not about living out democratic ideals that i "found" in the Bible and helping others to live those out. its just about living and learning to define each other as God defines us. well, not "just." lets not get too reductionist now. everything is flexy and bendable and stretchy. nothing is sound. but isn't that beautiful? anyway, as i continue to live these days in between and (through great failures...) realize my own limits, i'm experiencing the world differently too. i'm not sure the reason for this post. blogging as journaling always seemed the epitome of what i dislike about the internet world, but here you have it. i hope this reflection helps you.
grace and peace.
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