maybe its not chic to blog about things like work and conflicting allegiances in our work, but whatever. its real--even if the only socially acceptable response is complaining.
school's hard and it should be. but then there's church and youth group and trying to call my family and student ministries and my often floundering attempts at being genuinely present with my friends, if i'm present at all.
i'm okay with the ebb and flow of life. i think its poetic. but my struggle comes when that ebb and flow never seems to drop beneath a certain activity/stress level. i'm rarely ever able to reach the ebb and flow that reaches 7 hours of sleep consistently. or even that approaches consistent rest.
Deuteronomy 10:12, Micah 6:8, Matthew 19:16-26
who's asking the questions in my life? Rather, the Question. who has the authority to determine what i do? God doesn't ask me how I am serving God via the institutions of higher education. God doesn't ask me how my GPA looks or how i am serving God via my own dreams and aspirations. just like God doesn't ask Israel whether or not they think it is a good idea to worship Ba'al in order to get rain in their riverless land (Deuteronomy). nor does God ask Israel whether or not they think it is a good idea to live justly rather than seek comfort (Micah). nor does God ask the rich young man how much he wants to give (Matthew).
God wants me to love God with all my heart, soul and strength, following the commands, decrees, and statutes; to act justly, love mercy, walk humbly; to sell all I have, give to the poor, and follow Jesus.
that leaves me pretty prostrate--and with seemingly very little input as far as which grad program I would eventually like to get into. that makes my life look a lot like studying how to follow God's commands and seeking after God with all I have as well as seeking after people and God's best for them with all I have. It leaves me in a radical recognition of my cosmic insignificance, poor, and wandering after an invisible rabbi. AND...in the midst of this, trying to show others that this is indeed the way to life abundant! i wish i could grasp this. alas, if only i had St. Francis' capacity for paradox! but i usually don't, so i will carry on, I suppose. and rest assured that loving God with all your heart, soul, and strength might mean falling into bed exhausted for two months straight.
Lord, I hope you are doing something worthwhile in all of this. Amen.
1 comment:
I feel like sometimes my real question is not what does God require of me, but what does God expect of me. What does God expect of us?
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