Father God,

What is that we are to do in these places, where we don’t feel you but we know you’re there, almost like some oppressive professor who puts the fear in us and causes us to do work we don’t really want to do. So how shall I respond to you in this place? I almost don’t want to continue working for you in this place. I want to lay down the call and begin to talk of grace and peace again, ignoring the real truth of walls and all the hard things in life. I am tired and unwilling to continue in this vein. Why do you call me here? Why do you have me here?

Then I am suddenly aware of my own choices. Where is my energy going? Is it into the call that I know I have or is it continually into the things in life that I think will bring me joy but that have shown time and time again to be the constructions of a culture that is surrounding me and trying to convince me of my own self-importance so that I might perpetuate said system, even if it leaves me gasping for breath at the bottom of the spiral. I want what is real, not what I think is real or hope to be real. I want Your truth, Your way, and a united heart to fear you, Father.

Teach me Your way, O LORD;
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
(Psalm 86:11)