Procrastination and Gnosticism

So maybe this won't prove to be relevant but I believe I have stumbled across something which has helped me immensely in my understanding of ministry and, I suppose, life in leadership. The problem with leadership to me is that there is all of this other junk that comes along with it that I'm not all that keen on. For example, announcing events, collecting money, pulling weeds, filling out forms, etc.

There's no reason in particular that I hate these things, but I do and I hate them passionately. I love hanging out, talking, teaching, researching for lessons and the like, but I hate these bodily, boring, tedious tasks. I was thinking about this recently when it hit me that such a hatred of these things is really a hatred of what it actually takes to be with one another. In other words, I have this great love for the idea of being with people and of transformation and all these sorts of good-sounding things but I hate even the thought of doing the things that it takes to actually be with people. I love the idea of presence in a neighborhood but do not want to deal with taxes and properties and problems. I just want to come into a place and have everyone trust me and we can all get on with our transformation. But it doesn't work like that. In fact, it works nothing like that. Instead, things are messy and don't work the way that we want them to. People sin and leave things out, do things they shouldn't do and neglect to do things that they should. It is important to organize so that people can function together in a way that is healthy and productive. Forms are important because insurance is important; money matters, taxes and all of that matters because these things are the substance of what it means to be in a community with people. To exist is to rub up against others and this friction causes the necessary structures of society.

I put all of these very bodily and not glamorous or exciting things off to the side because I don't want to see the forms or the taxes or the cost or any of that crap which is far from what we're really trying to get at with ministry, right?

Unfortunately (for me), to ignore these bodily and normal everyday events and neccesities is to be a gnostic. What? how can that be? What's a gnostic?

A gnostic was an ancient Greek who believed that humanity is a (good) soul trapped in the (bad) material world. When they interacted with Christianity in the first and second centuries, they had a lot of trouble with the incarnation and their wrong teachings explain much of what is behind the New Testament's writings. How could a good God take the form of a material body, which is obviously flawed and evil? The gnostic tendency is to remove the divine from the actual bodies and materials of existence. This is a constant struggle in the Christian church and in Western society in general. There is always an urge to disconnect, to idealize, to create a utopian society. This, I believe, is the same tendency that makes us desire not to be engaged with real lives and therefore to run away to the academy and read our lives away or to come into a place and expect everyone to just change on their own without relationship or struggle. It is what causes me to put off the administrative tasks of ministry and forget that all of these tedious tasks are the mark of God's redemption of the material reality of creation.

God took on human flesh and entered into the boredom, the tediom and despair of our existence that we might know God's redemption in the fullness of time. Is it mine to reject that redemption and turn to my own desires for fulfillment to define the work of ministry? May it not be so. Rather, faithfulness in the small things will lead to more responsibility and the hope of God's glory pervading all the mundane and frustrating details of the world. I am turning my heart and disposition that I might hope for the glory and redemption of all of creation--even the boring, lame and the inexcusably dull. God took on the form of a human and it is in the fullness of that form that the minister and Christian ought to live.

to be whole

This week at youth group, two of our youth got in a fight. One black eye, one suspended kid, two hard conversations, and about 53 calls to parents by Mario later, I find myself here. Over the last several months, i have often been too busy to have friends, to care about people, to love anyone. living in dissonance between my calling to holiness and my selfish ambition, I find myself cut off, disconnected and depressed, living in boxes that stand removed from one another. For the fighting youths inside of me, this is phone call number 54, hard conversation numbers 3 and 4, and maybe black eye number 2. But this time, the black eye isn't from myself. Its from the wall I've run into and am beginning to climb over.

We live in such isolation from one another, such distinction in our lives of schedules and boxes on pieces of paper. Clocks rule us, not the sun. Furthermore, and more deeply, we feel we can put our lives and our problems into order, into their place and then solve those problems and make them all go away. For example, "If only I didn't have to deal with all of my friends, I would have time for my girl/boyfriend" or my classes or my work or my church or whatever. These can be flipped and switched around into an infinite number of orders with an infinite number of different nouns placed into this same basic formula. "If only I didn't have to deal with _____, I would have enough time for ______, which is what I really care about." But life is this balancing, this juggling and tensing in so many different directions. It is living with who we are, not disconnected from our feelings and true selves so that we can still function successfully. Who we are is busy and full. It needs learning and growing; it needs reflection and rest; it needs struggle and testing. Removing ourselves from some part of our life--any part--cuts us down and makes us depressed. It disconnects us from ourselves and the work that we do. To do so divorces our labor and our product, our action and our bodies, our speech and our mouth.

And this, my friends, is not good. It means that any proficiency for real relationship is hampered. We are cut short because we are cut off from ourselves so that we become objective to ourselves. We lose even our own self as subject. When this happens, our self-subjectivity is threatened because (and this is a very important because) we have disembodied ourselves from ourselves, leaving ourselves to be manipulated and defined by external factors that are not us and do not bring us back to who we are (usually in the name of letting us express/be ourselves!).

It is not that we are to cut off our friends in order to get our homework right. We cannot ignore our housemates or ministries because we need to spend time with our girlfriends.

We live in the ebb and flow. Some weeks hold one thing in better focus, and some days others. That's the tense, hard motion of it all. That's learning to live in the balance. That's living with all of this good before us. Breathe and know that the gaps will be filled up, so long as you trust.

The only gap that will always last is the one created by a lack of faith.

This is living whole, living in a way that sees all that is happening, all that lies before and seeks to hold loosely each of these people, activities, in a way that is excited and restful. Be Whole.

Fear

I'm afraid of so much--in life, in ministry, in work, in relationships, in the future. I wish I didn't feel so cliche, but graduation really does throw you into a mess of questions, asking what its all about and where its all going.

I have ideas about my future that float, that zing around this little room in my mind like bouncy balls that I've let fly. Sometimes they wack me in the mouth or just zing past my head. I'm generally not in control of them, though. And this produces anxiety which makes me want to check out and leave the room. But where would I go? What would I do? All I have are these bouncy balls which threaten and scare me as much as they make me alive.

I'm stuck with the question, "Who will you be? Who will you be? Who will you be?" and people want an answer based on such different criteria like "I'm going to work at ________" or "I'm going to give my self to this issue or cause" or (worse) "I'm marrying _______."

but I just want to know who I will be in the future, how I will respond to tense situations. I want to know that God is with me, that what I am doing is a faithful response to Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. Lord, guide me and know me! Teach me peace and trust! May I give my life to you in response to your word and call on my life like a monk who offers up all belongings and symbols of self to the abbot, holding on to nothing lest he offer only part of all that he is.

over it, schmover it.

i'm over it.

i remember when Joe Volk told me that he was so excited to have found out that phrase. (he's from Washington. i guess they don't talk valley girl up there.) It is a fitting phrase though. It expresses indifference mixed with some of being irked that anyone would intrude on your life with whatever they are bringing to you at the moment. that's how i feel about school-not because its bad and i hate it but because if i'm honest, i feel ready to go. I feel like I've learned what it is that I really need to learn and am now ready to do the work that God is calling me to do. I feel ready to sink in and begin. But I'm stuck here, waiting and waiting and waiting.

and realizing, as I listened to Kelcey tell her story of Ivan saying he loved her (http://frontrowjo10.blogspot.com/), I realized (again) that this is God's work, that my heart is restless and for some reason always wants to move on to the next thing without seeing God here. i was reminded of my task, of my duty, to take up my cross daily rather than dreaming about taking up my cross in the future. Engagement is important, it is a spiritual discipline. being over it is wasteful and selfish and squanders the opportunities given us to love those that are here and to live with those in our lives.

To live always on the horizon will leave us empty. It will leave us aching for the unknown, stuffing activity and dreams into a hole while the Christ cries, "Peace, peace. Accept my wholeness and shalom. Accept what is before you and own the pain and boredom, the frustration and vanity. Accept it enough to step back and see the swirling, knowing I am the God of the swirling pools.

"And take up your cross and follow me. Leave mother and brother and sister to follow me. Empty yourself into this worthless swirling because I am the Lord of it and I am there."


Always on brinks,
highways that leak fuel
and speak like a craving.

to know that the circle of earth
will always be 'round
hanging from threads tied to vanity space.

sucking into the quietest worlds,
action that's nothing into no one and nowhere
is is is is, is IS IS!

Shalom, my child, and boldness
for the vacuous, reposeless movement circles;
Know I am there, know I Am there.

i pick up the stars
and worlds in between
horizon-breaker valley-shaper,
i empty like a broken pot.

skinny

I was in Balboa Park this weekend and there were all these skinny people riding their skinny bikes around in their skinny pants. They were very tattooed and rebellious-looking, like they wanted us all to know that they did not appreciate the establishment and wanted things to be different. I think they are going to vote for Obama if they aren't too busy sipping skinny cups of coffee to vote.

Part of me wants to be like these people. But I know that I'm not that skinny. What I mean by that is this: I don't really have a great desire to be rebellious anymore. I don't feel like I need to be a part of the generation that is change-focused and full of ideals and a whole new world which is coming up over the horizon. New worlds are so cool! They require a lot of people to get on board with them and start whole movements. So we have this movement of people who are rebellious and trendy and cool, they are artsy and so full of innovation and music and rage. They ride bikes and the bus, they have moved into the middle of the city because there is so much that is good in a close, tight urban environment and they want to take advantage of that. Many of these people are incredibly beautiful and interesting. They are fun and have interesting hobbies like drawing and writing songs which are played on common household items. Some of them probably know people with sailboats and they frequent coffee shops which contribute to them being edgy and innovative.

I am so convicted by my attraction to be like these people. And the trouble is, I want to infuse Jesus into all of it and make Jesus the reason for my cool. But it is all so wrong. I remember lots of stories about the '60s and all the change and innovation, the utopianism and idealism that was so pervasive among young people at that time. It sounds a lot like today. And I remember stories about the '70s. there was some of that left but it led to a more complete spiral down into widespread drug use that ultimately led to a cynicism and disillusionment with the rise of the yuppies in the '80s. Cool does not save. Cool does not fix or transform or make anything better.

We don't need another movement. We need people who will be good and strong and holy despite the coolness of a movement. This means riding your bike even though we're over bike-riding as a culture. It means eating organic and gardening even when we are totally disillusioned with the ability of our diet to affect the world economy. We don't do these things because they are cool or because small is the new big and simple is the new fad. We don't build green buildings on campus because we will be attacked if we don't. We do all of these things because creation is good, because we are Christian. We love the small because we follow a God who entered the small world of humans even though he could have stayed in his heavenly glory.

I heard a story yesterday about Merle Gray. He had been in ministry for 50 years ten years ago. 40 of those years had been spent on the Native American reservations in Arizona. He has had essentially no one thank him or let him know that they appreciate what he is doing. He has lived in quietness and obscurity, loving this people so deeply. He ministers the gospel and preaches the word; he is a sacrament of grace to the people that he comes into contact with. He lives the life of Jesus. He has sacrificed prestige and position in so many other places, he has laid down climbing up the ladders. In fact, his District Superintendent probably hardly knows that he was there. But he was there. He was loving and ministering with so much love and grace, so much humility.

I don't know if Merle Gray is still pastoring or even if he is alive. But I want to be like him. I want to be willing to live in total obscurity, to not be listened to, to minister in the forgotten places if it means that I am following Jesus. I want this life that I think I own to dissipate before the call that Jesus lays on my life. Oh Lord, break my sinful nature that sees the recognition and applause of people as the basis of all life. Teach me to love for the sake of Christ and to see that once I see people as you see them, then I truly see them. I do not desire to be recognized or known or to be part of anything significant. All true recognition is in you, Lord. All true knowing is being known by you. Father, you are the only one that makes this life significant. I offer it back to you in the smallness and loneliness of the crucifixion.

Back to School...and nothing's changed.

I'm officially back in the belly of the beast that is Point Loma Nazarene University.

I don't know what a Christian institution of higher education should look like in the world--namely because I don't think I've ever seen one. Where are the institutions that are striving for excellence but at the same time remember that they can't sacrifice their Christianity in order to get there. In fact, if they sacrifice the process then the result is shot too. So often, we strive for excellence, for being the best we can be and all of those things but we forget about the really important things.

What sort of school would it be that didn't leave out the students that would be a financial burden? What kind of school could we have if social justice was not something that we did in chapel or on missions trips but in the way that the school operated day to day, we brought in people that should have been cast out, that should have been forgotten and we said, "Hey! You with the low GPA! I believe that you are important. I believe you are worth educating. Come to my school and we will teach you to the best of our ability. And we will do it for very little money."
But no. We offer spots to low-priority students if they can make up for it by being good at soccer or by being the child of someone who works at the school.

I got here by visiting the new theology building. I walked inside and I felt so sick. What sort of theology is it that leads us to this big fancy building with a really nice view? Does that help us learn better? Does it help professors connect with students better? Does it help professors do better research? No. No. No. except maybe on the last one. and that's only because we have this big symbol of prestige and success and that may attract some good theologians to our halls. But the reason that people love Loma is not because we have the best theologians. That's not our role. Its because we have professors that are SO passionate about students. They are brilliant and, in many cases, world-class. But they spend time with us and challenge us and push us and care about us.

Until now.

Now, they will try but we will have to seek them out in order to find them. Gone are casual conversations with Pat, the department assistant. Gone is John Wright's shrill voice reverberating down the hall about something that I didn't understand but now do after having class with him. Gone is Lodahl's "Hey, come in here." As you walk by his office on your way to class. Because theology is incarnational. It's worth as an academic discipline only goes as far as it prepares pastors, provides an intellectual ground for ministry, and contributes to the life and work of the church. Which means that when you undercut a theologian's chance to be incarnational, you undercut their ability to be a theologian. So by taking the theologians away from the classrooms, Point Loma (in the name of making the School of Theology and Christian Ministry more central) has taken some of the worthwhile theology away from the church.

Beyond that, I am wrestling with why we really needed a new building. If you want the STCM to be more central on campus, then invite them to board meetings and ask them their opinion. Read their books. Listen to their lectures and try to figure out how that plays out in the life of the University. Don't give them positions of perceived authority and power instead of listening to them. Its a nice gesture but frankly, it smacks of washing the outside of the cup and forgetting that what is inside the walls is what really counts. It feels like whitewashing the walls of a the sepulchre.

the heart of leadership

I've been reading "Imitation of Christ," the classic spiritual guide by Thomas a Kempis. Recently, the chapter that I read had the advice that we should, each of us, seek to stamp out one vice in our life each year and that way we would be continually moving towards holiness (rough paraphrase).

I've been so checked recently by my need to refocus on my Christian life. It is really easy to focus on what it means to do successful ministry or be a "global" Christian and forget how to be a Christian that is faithful in the little things, that is true to the way of Christ in loving people who are not fun to love or in being a good roommate or in listening to people. One of my vices is talking smack. but its unloving. its mean. it makes for an overabundance of competition for competition's sake, not sport for sport's sake.

And the movement toward Jesus in terms of my mouth makes my prayer better. It makes the Scripture more alive. It makes the whole Christian life more full. Jesus moves into the dark and quiet corners, into the pieces of my reluctant heart that are holed up under the bed and that scream out that they are part of who I am and what's the point of getting rid of them? If people are put off by them then so what? They can get over it. Its who I am.

And we wonder why those we lead won't let their lives be changed. We lead by example. To the degree that we let Jesus retransform us every day, those we lead will be filled by Christ and retransformed.