Fear

I'm afraid of so much--in life, in ministry, in work, in relationships, in the future. I wish I didn't feel so cliche, but graduation really does throw you into a mess of questions, asking what its all about and where its all going.

I have ideas about my future that float, that zing around this little room in my mind like bouncy balls that I've let fly. Sometimes they wack me in the mouth or just zing past my head. I'm generally not in control of them, though. And this produces anxiety which makes me want to check out and leave the room. But where would I go? What would I do? All I have are these bouncy balls which threaten and scare me as much as they make me alive.

I'm stuck with the question, "Who will you be? Who will you be? Who will you be?" and people want an answer based on such different criteria like "I'm going to work at ________" or "I'm going to give my self to this issue or cause" or (worse) "I'm marrying _______."

but I just want to know who I will be in the future, how I will respond to tense situations. I want to know that God is with me, that what I am doing is a faithful response to Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. Lord, guide me and know me! Teach me peace and trust! May I give my life to you in response to your word and call on my life like a monk who offers up all belongings and symbols of self to the abbot, holding on to nothing lest he offer only part of all that he is.

over it, schmover it.

i'm over it.

i remember when Joe Volk told me that he was so excited to have found out that phrase. (he's from Washington. i guess they don't talk valley girl up there.) It is a fitting phrase though. It expresses indifference mixed with some of being irked that anyone would intrude on your life with whatever they are bringing to you at the moment. that's how i feel about school-not because its bad and i hate it but because if i'm honest, i feel ready to go. I feel like I've learned what it is that I really need to learn and am now ready to do the work that God is calling me to do. I feel ready to sink in and begin. But I'm stuck here, waiting and waiting and waiting.

and realizing, as I listened to Kelcey tell her story of Ivan saying he loved her (http://frontrowjo10.blogspot.com/), I realized (again) that this is God's work, that my heart is restless and for some reason always wants to move on to the next thing without seeing God here. i was reminded of my task, of my duty, to take up my cross daily rather than dreaming about taking up my cross in the future. Engagement is important, it is a spiritual discipline. being over it is wasteful and selfish and squanders the opportunities given us to love those that are here and to live with those in our lives.

To live always on the horizon will leave us empty. It will leave us aching for the unknown, stuffing activity and dreams into a hole while the Christ cries, "Peace, peace. Accept my wholeness and shalom. Accept what is before you and own the pain and boredom, the frustration and vanity. Accept it enough to step back and see the swirling, knowing I am the God of the swirling pools.

"And take up your cross and follow me. Leave mother and brother and sister to follow me. Empty yourself into this worthless swirling because I am the Lord of it and I am there."


Always on brinks,
highways that leak fuel
and speak like a craving.

to know that the circle of earth
will always be 'round
hanging from threads tied to vanity space.

sucking into the quietest worlds,
action that's nothing into no one and nowhere
is is is is, is IS IS!

Shalom, my child, and boldness
for the vacuous, reposeless movement circles;
Know I am there, know I Am there.

i pick up the stars
and worlds in between
horizon-breaker valley-shaper,
i empty like a broken pot.