I'm afraid of so much--in life, in ministry, in work, in relationships, in the future. I wish I didn't feel so cliche, but graduation really does throw you into a mess of questions, asking what its all about and where its all going.
I have ideas about my future that float, that zing around this little room in my mind like bouncy balls that I've let fly. Sometimes they wack me in the mouth or just zing past my head. I'm generally not in control of them, though. And this produces anxiety which makes me want to check out and leave the room. But where would I go? What would I do? All I have are these bouncy balls which threaten and scare me as much as they make me alive.
I'm stuck with the question, "Who will you be? Who will you be? Who will you be?" and people want an answer based on such different criteria like "I'm going to work at ________" or "I'm going to give my self to this issue or cause" or (worse) "I'm marrying _______."
but I just want to know who I will be in the future, how I will respond to tense situations. I want to know that God is with me, that what I am doing is a faithful response to Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. Lord, guide me and know me! Teach me peace and trust! May I give my life to you in response to your word and call on my life like a monk who offers up all belongings and symbols of self to the abbot, holding on to nothing lest he offer only part of all that he is.
Oct 29, 2008
Oct 13, 2008
over it, schmover it.
i'm over it.
i remember when Joe Volk told me that he was so excited to have found out that phrase. (he's from Washington. i guess they don't talk valley girl up there.) It is a fitting phrase though. It expresses indifference mixed with some of being irked that anyone would intrude on your life with whatever they are bringing to you at the moment. that's how i feel about school-not because its bad and i hate it but because if i'm honest, i feel ready to go. I feel like I've learned what it is that I really need to learn and am now ready to do the work that God is calling me to do. I feel ready to sink in and begin. But I'm stuck here, waiting and waiting and waiting.
and realizing, as I listened to Kelcey tell her story of Ivan saying he loved her (http://frontrowjo10.blogspot.com/), I realized (again) that this is God's work, that my heart is restless and for some reason always wants to move on to the next thing without seeing God here. i was reminded of my task, of my duty, to take up my cross daily rather than dreaming about taking up my cross in the future. Engagement is important, it is a spiritual discipline. being over it is wasteful and selfish and squanders the opportunities given us to love those that are here and to live with those in our lives.
To live always on the horizon will leave us empty. It will leave us aching for the unknown, stuffing activity and dreams into a hole while the Christ cries, "Peace, peace. Accept my wholeness and shalom. Accept what is before you and own the pain and boredom, the frustration and vanity. Accept it enough to step back and see the swirling, knowing I am the God of the swirling pools.
"And take up your cross and follow me. Leave mother and brother and sister to follow me. Empty yourself into this worthless swirling because I am the Lord of it and I am there."
Always on brinks,
highways that leak fuel
and speak like a craving.
to know that the circle of earth
will always be 'round
hanging from threads tied to vanity space.
sucking into the quietest worlds,
action that's nothing into no one and nowhere
is is is is, is IS IS!
Shalom, my child, and boldness
for the vacuous, reposeless movement circles;
Know I am there, know I Am there.
i pick up the stars
and worlds in between
horizon-breaker valley-shaper,
i empty like a broken pot.
i remember when Joe Volk told me that he was so excited to have found out that phrase. (he's from Washington. i guess they don't talk valley girl up there.) It is a fitting phrase though. It expresses indifference mixed with some of being irked that anyone would intrude on your life with whatever they are bringing to you at the moment. that's how i feel about school-not because its bad and i hate it but because if i'm honest, i feel ready to go. I feel like I've learned what it is that I really need to learn and am now ready to do the work that God is calling me to do. I feel ready to sink in and begin. But I'm stuck here, waiting and waiting and waiting.
and realizing, as I listened to Kelcey tell her story of Ivan saying he loved her (http://frontrowjo10.blogspot.com/), I realized (again) that this is God's work, that my heart is restless and for some reason always wants to move on to the next thing without seeing God here. i was reminded of my task, of my duty, to take up my cross daily rather than dreaming about taking up my cross in the future. Engagement is important, it is a spiritual discipline. being over it is wasteful and selfish and squanders the opportunities given us to love those that are here and to live with those in our lives.
To live always on the horizon will leave us empty. It will leave us aching for the unknown, stuffing activity and dreams into a hole while the Christ cries, "Peace, peace. Accept my wholeness and shalom. Accept what is before you and own the pain and boredom, the frustration and vanity. Accept it enough to step back and see the swirling, knowing I am the God of the swirling pools.
"And take up your cross and follow me. Leave mother and brother and sister to follow me. Empty yourself into this worthless swirling because I am the Lord of it and I am there."
Always on brinks,
highways that leak fuel
and speak like a craving.
to know that the circle of earth
will always be 'round
hanging from threads tied to vanity space.
sucking into the quietest worlds,
action that's nothing into no one and nowhere
is is is is, is IS IS!
Shalom, my child, and boldness
for the vacuous, reposeless movement circles;
Know I am there, know I Am there.
i pick up the stars
and worlds in between
horizon-breaker valley-shaper,
i empty like a broken pot.
Sep 4, 2008
skinny
I was in Balboa Park this weekend and there were all these skinny people riding their skinny bikes around in their skinny pants. They were very tattooed and rebellious-looking, like they wanted us all to know that they did not appreciate the establishment and wanted things to be different. I think they are going to vote for Obama if they aren't too busy sipping skinny cups of coffee to vote.
Part of me wants to be like these people. But I know that I'm not that skinny. What I mean by that is this: I don't really have a great desire to be rebellious anymore. I don't feel like I need to be a part of the generation that is change-focused and full of ideals and a whole new world which is coming up over the horizon. New worlds are so cool! They require a lot of people to get on board with them and start whole movements. So we have this movement of people who are rebellious and trendy and cool, they are artsy and so full of innovation and music and rage. They ride bikes and the bus, they have moved into the middle of the city because there is so much that is good in a close, tight urban environment and they want to take advantage of that. Many of these people are incredibly beautiful and interesting. They are fun and have interesting hobbies like drawing and writing songs which are played on common household items. Some of them probably know people with sailboats and they frequent coffee shops which contribute to them being edgy and innovative.
I am so convicted by my attraction to be like these people. And the trouble is, I want to infuse Jesus into all of it and make Jesus the reason for my cool. But it is all so wrong. I remember lots of stories about the '60s and all the change and innovation, the utopianism and idealism that was so pervasive among young people at that time. It sounds a lot like today. And I remember stories about the '70s. there was some of that left but it led to a more complete spiral down into widespread drug use that ultimately led to a cynicism and disillusionment with the rise of the yuppies in the '80s. Cool does not save. Cool does not fix or transform or make anything better.
We don't need another movement. We need people who will be good and strong and holy despite the coolness of a movement. This means riding your bike even though we're over bike-riding as a culture. It means eating organic and gardening even when we are totally disillusioned with the ability of our diet to affect the world economy. We don't do these things because they are cool or because small is the new big and simple is the new fad. We don't build green buildings on campus because we will be attacked if we don't. We do all of these things because creation is good, because we are Christian. We love the small because we follow a God who entered the small world of humans even though he could have stayed in his heavenly glory.
I heard a story yesterday about Merle Gray. He had been in ministry for 50 years ten years ago. 40 of those years had been spent on the Native American reservations in Arizona. He has had essentially no one thank him or let him know that they appreciate what he is doing. He has lived in quietness and obscurity, loving this people so deeply. He ministers the gospel and preaches the word; he is a sacrament of grace to the people that he comes into contact with. He lives the life of Jesus. He has sacrificed prestige and position in so many other places, he has laid down climbing up the ladders. In fact, his District Superintendent probably hardly knows that he was there. But he was there. He was loving and ministering with so much love and grace, so much humility.
I don't know if Merle Gray is still pastoring or even if he is alive. But I want to be like him. I want to be willing to live in total obscurity, to not be listened to, to minister in the forgotten places if it means that I am following Jesus. I want this life that I think I own to dissipate before the call that Jesus lays on my life. Oh Lord, break my sinful nature that sees the recognition and applause of people as the basis of all life. Teach me to love for the sake of Christ and to see that once I see people as you see them, then I truly see them. I do not desire to be recognized or known or to be part of anything significant. All true recognition is in you, Lord. All true knowing is being known by you. Father, you are the only one that makes this life significant. I offer it back to you in the smallness and loneliness of the crucifixion.
Part of me wants to be like these people. But I know that I'm not that skinny. What I mean by that is this: I don't really have a great desire to be rebellious anymore. I don't feel like I need to be a part of the generation that is change-focused and full of ideals and a whole new world which is coming up over the horizon. New worlds are so cool! They require a lot of people to get on board with them and start whole movements. So we have this movement of people who are rebellious and trendy and cool, they are artsy and so full of innovation and music and rage. They ride bikes and the bus, they have moved into the middle of the city because there is so much that is good in a close, tight urban environment and they want to take advantage of that. Many of these people are incredibly beautiful and interesting. They are fun and have interesting hobbies like drawing and writing songs which are played on common household items. Some of them probably know people with sailboats and they frequent coffee shops which contribute to them being edgy and innovative.
I am so convicted by my attraction to be like these people. And the trouble is, I want to infuse Jesus into all of it and make Jesus the reason for my cool. But it is all so wrong. I remember lots of stories about the '60s and all the change and innovation, the utopianism and idealism that was so pervasive among young people at that time. It sounds a lot like today. And I remember stories about the '70s. there was some of that left but it led to a more complete spiral down into widespread drug use that ultimately led to a cynicism and disillusionment with the rise of the yuppies in the '80s. Cool does not save. Cool does not fix or transform or make anything better.
We don't need another movement. We need people who will be good and strong and holy despite the coolness of a movement. This means riding your bike even though we're over bike-riding as a culture. It means eating organic and gardening even when we are totally disillusioned with the ability of our diet to affect the world economy. We don't do these things because they are cool or because small is the new big and simple is the new fad. We don't build green buildings on campus because we will be attacked if we don't. We do all of these things because creation is good, because we are Christian. We love the small because we follow a God who entered the small world of humans even though he could have stayed in his heavenly glory.
I heard a story yesterday about Merle Gray. He had been in ministry for 50 years ten years ago. 40 of those years had been spent on the Native American reservations in Arizona. He has had essentially no one thank him or let him know that they appreciate what he is doing. He has lived in quietness and obscurity, loving this people so deeply. He ministers the gospel and preaches the word; he is a sacrament of grace to the people that he comes into contact with. He lives the life of Jesus. He has sacrificed prestige and position in so many other places, he has laid down climbing up the ladders. In fact, his District Superintendent probably hardly knows that he was there. But he was there. He was loving and ministering with so much love and grace, so much humility.
I don't know if Merle Gray is still pastoring or even if he is alive. But I want to be like him. I want to be willing to live in total obscurity, to not be listened to, to minister in the forgotten places if it means that I am following Jesus. I want this life that I think I own to dissipate before the call that Jesus lays on my life. Oh Lord, break my sinful nature that sees the recognition and applause of people as the basis of all life. Teach me to love for the sake of Christ and to see that once I see people as you see them, then I truly see them. I do not desire to be recognized or known or to be part of anything significant. All true recognition is in you, Lord. All true knowing is being known by you. Father, you are the only one that makes this life significant. I offer it back to you in the smallness and loneliness of the crucifixion.
Aug 13, 2008
Back to School...and nothing's changed.
I'm officially back in the belly of the beast that is Point Loma Nazarene University.
I don't know what a Christian institution of higher education should look like in the world--namely because I don't think I've ever seen one. Where are the institutions that are striving for excellence but at the same time remember that they can't sacrifice their Christianity in order to get there. In fact, if they sacrifice the process then the result is shot too. So often, we strive for excellence, for being the best we can be and all of those things but we forget about the really important things.
What sort of school would it be that didn't leave out the students that would be a financial burden? What kind of school could we have if social justice was not something that we did in chapel or on missions trips but in the way that the school operated day to day, we brought in people that should have been cast out, that should have been forgotten and we said, "Hey! You with the low GPA! I believe that you are important. I believe you are worth educating. Come to my school and we will teach you to the best of our ability. And we will do it for very little money."
But no. We offer spots to low-priority students if they can make up for it by being good at soccer or by being the child of someone who works at the school.
I got here by visiting the new theology building. I walked inside and I felt so sick. What sort of theology is it that leads us to this big fancy building with a really nice view? Does that help us learn better? Does it help professors connect with students better? Does it help professors do better research? No. No. No. except maybe on the last one. and that's only because we have this big symbol of prestige and success and that may attract some good theologians to our halls. But the reason that people love Loma is not because we have the best theologians. That's not our role. Its because we have professors that are SO passionate about students. They are brilliant and, in many cases, world-class. But they spend time with us and challenge us and push us and care about us.
Until now.
Now, they will try but we will have to seek them out in order to find them. Gone are casual conversations with Pat, the department assistant. Gone is John Wright's shrill voice reverberating down the hall about something that I didn't understand but now do after having class with him. Gone is Lodahl's "Hey, come in here." As you walk by his office on your way to class. Because theology is incarnational. It's worth as an academic discipline only goes as far as it prepares pastors, provides an intellectual ground for ministry, and contributes to the life and work of the church. Which means that when you undercut a theologian's chance to be incarnational, you undercut their ability to be a theologian. So by taking the theologians away from the classrooms, Point Loma (in the name of making the School of Theology and Christian Ministry more central) has taken some of the worthwhile theology away from the church.
Beyond that, I am wrestling with why we really needed a new building. If you want the STCM to be more central on campus, then invite them to board meetings and ask them their opinion. Read their books. Listen to their lectures and try to figure out how that plays out in the life of the University. Don't give them positions of perceived authority and power instead of listening to them. Its a nice gesture but frankly, it smacks of washing the outside of the cup and forgetting that what is inside the walls is what really counts. It feels like whitewashing the walls of a the sepulchre.
I don't know what a Christian institution of higher education should look like in the world--namely because I don't think I've ever seen one. Where are the institutions that are striving for excellence but at the same time remember that they can't sacrifice their Christianity in order to get there. In fact, if they sacrifice the process then the result is shot too. So often, we strive for excellence, for being the best we can be and all of those things but we forget about the really important things.
What sort of school would it be that didn't leave out the students that would be a financial burden? What kind of school could we have if social justice was not something that we did in chapel or on missions trips but in the way that the school operated day to day, we brought in people that should have been cast out, that should have been forgotten and we said, "Hey! You with the low GPA! I believe that you are important. I believe you are worth educating. Come to my school and we will teach you to the best of our ability. And we will do it for very little money."
But no. We offer spots to low-priority students if they can make up for it by being good at soccer or by being the child of someone who works at the school.
I got here by visiting the new theology building. I walked inside and I felt so sick. What sort of theology is it that leads us to this big fancy building with a really nice view? Does that help us learn better? Does it help professors connect with students better? Does it help professors do better research? No. No. No. except maybe on the last one. and that's only because we have this big symbol of prestige and success and that may attract some good theologians to our halls. But the reason that people love Loma is not because we have the best theologians. That's not our role. Its because we have professors that are SO passionate about students. They are brilliant and, in many cases, world-class. But they spend time with us and challenge us and push us and care about us.
Until now.
Now, they will try but we will have to seek them out in order to find them. Gone are casual conversations with Pat, the department assistant. Gone is John Wright's shrill voice reverberating down the hall about something that I didn't understand but now do after having class with him. Gone is Lodahl's "Hey, come in here." As you walk by his office on your way to class. Because theology is incarnational. It's worth as an academic discipline only goes as far as it prepares pastors, provides an intellectual ground for ministry, and contributes to the life and work of the church. Which means that when you undercut a theologian's chance to be incarnational, you undercut their ability to be a theologian. So by taking the theologians away from the classrooms, Point Loma (in the name of making the School of Theology and Christian Ministry more central) has taken some of the worthwhile theology away from the church.
Beyond that, I am wrestling with why we really needed a new building. If you want the STCM to be more central on campus, then invite them to board meetings and ask them their opinion. Read their books. Listen to their lectures and try to figure out how that plays out in the life of the University. Don't give them positions of perceived authority and power instead of listening to them. Its a nice gesture but frankly, it smacks of washing the outside of the cup and forgetting that what is inside the walls is what really counts. It feels like whitewashing the walls of a the sepulchre.
Aug 9, 2008
the heart of leadership
I've been reading "Imitation of Christ," the classic spiritual guide by Thomas a Kempis. Recently, the chapter that I read had the advice that we should, each of us, seek to stamp out one vice in our life each year and that way we would be continually moving towards holiness (rough paraphrase).
I've been so checked recently by my need to refocus on my Christian life. It is really easy to focus on what it means to do successful ministry or be a "global" Christian and forget how to be a Christian that is faithful in the little things, that is true to the way of Christ in loving people who are not fun to love or in being a good roommate or in listening to people. One of my vices is talking smack. but its unloving. its mean. it makes for an overabundance of competition for competition's sake, not sport for sport's sake.
And the movement toward Jesus in terms of my mouth makes my prayer better. It makes the Scripture more alive. It makes the whole Christian life more full. Jesus moves into the dark and quiet corners, into the pieces of my reluctant heart that are holed up under the bed and that scream out that they are part of who I am and what's the point of getting rid of them? If people are put off by them then so what? They can get over it. Its who I am.
And we wonder why those we lead won't let their lives be changed. We lead by example. To the degree that we let Jesus retransform us every day, those we lead will be filled by Christ and retransformed.
I've been so checked recently by my need to refocus on my Christian life. It is really easy to focus on what it means to do successful ministry or be a "global" Christian and forget how to be a Christian that is faithful in the little things, that is true to the way of Christ in loving people who are not fun to love or in being a good roommate or in listening to people. One of my vices is talking smack. but its unloving. its mean. it makes for an overabundance of competition for competition's sake, not sport for sport's sake.
And the movement toward Jesus in terms of my mouth makes my prayer better. It makes the Scripture more alive. It makes the whole Christian life more full. Jesus moves into the dark and quiet corners, into the pieces of my reluctant heart that are holed up under the bed and that scream out that they are part of who I am and what's the point of getting rid of them? If people are put off by them then so what? They can get over it. Its who I am.
And we wonder why those we lead won't let their lives be changed. We lead by example. To the degree that we let Jesus retransform us every day, those we lead will be filled by Christ and retransformed.
Jul 20, 2008
music
I'm no connoiseur of music. I know very little about it in any sort of historical context. I know very little about it at all except how it makes me feel and the people that I see connected to it.
I just bought Nick Drake's "Pink Moon," an album I had listened to in high school by the gracious loaning of a friend. But it hits so deeply, resonates so completely with me. It is truly a grace of God to have these friends to walk with us and remind us of what is beautiful, remind us that in the midst of a failing world, God is going to make something new and good from the brokenness. And when I listen to Nick Drake, I'm reminded that this happens in the whispers and the corners before it happens anywhere else. Good Lord, may we redeem and be redeemed.
I just bought Nick Drake's "Pink Moon," an album I had listened to in high school by the gracious loaning of a friend. But it hits so deeply, resonates so completely with me. It is truly a grace of God to have these friends to walk with us and remind us of what is beautiful, remind us that in the midst of a failing world, God is going to make something new and good from the brokenness. And when I listen to Nick Drake, I'm reminded that this happens in the whispers and the corners before it happens anywhere else. Good Lord, may we redeem and be redeemed.
Jul 19, 2008
The Joy of Gardening
I just ate a plum. Two plums, actually--they were like little purple gems that tingled my mouth and fell apart in sweet sweet goodness on my tongue. Oh boy.
There is just something about gardening, about bringing something out of the ground that is actually full of junk and awful stuff and turning it into food that is delicious and healthy. I love gardening so much. I can't wait to do it for the rest of my life. I can't wait to live in rhythm with the seasons of the year. I'm just excited about it. The corn's getting ready too and I've already eaten a few ears. They are very delicious. Mario bought some heirloom tomatoes at the farmer's market and will plant them soon. They will be very good. Mario is very good at getting things to grow. I'm getting there. I'm good at letting things rot in the compost pile.
I wish I knew how to put pictures up. Hooray for self-grown food!
There is just something about gardening, about bringing something out of the ground that is actually full of junk and awful stuff and turning it into food that is delicious and healthy. I love gardening so much. I can't wait to do it for the rest of my life. I can't wait to live in rhythm with the seasons of the year. I'm just excited about it. The corn's getting ready too and I've already eaten a few ears. They are very delicious. Mario bought some heirloom tomatoes at the farmer's market and will plant them soon. They will be very good. Mario is very good at getting things to grow. I'm getting there. I'm good at letting things rot in the compost pile.
I wish I knew how to put pictures up. Hooray for self-grown food!
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